I have always wondered what it was like to have grown up in a normal home with a normal family. The silence of a room is deafening without the screams and it’s too empty without the clutter. Did your mother look you in the eyes or did she just look past you? Can someone reach out to touch you without you flinching?
I wonder what it’s like to still have innocence.
To never have your heart race at the sound of your bedroom door opening in the middle of the night. Do you never fear walking alone without gripping your fist so tight around your keys you can feel the blood in your palms?
Do you never panic when a door is locked behind you?
I wonder what it’s like to never lose anyone.
How secure it is to never fear anyone leaving you. To be vulnerable. To not have more friends in a graveyard than your call log. Do you use your words carelessly, get into silly fights? How does it feel to let yourself love someone? Let someone in?
I wonder what it’s like to be confident.
To look in the mirror and love yourself.. to call yourself “pretty” or say, “I look great today”. Or are those words like a foreign language to your tongue? Can you swallow them easier than your lunch?
Do you eat without calculating every bite, can you sit without moving?
I wonder what it’s like to be clean.
To never have to bleed out the feelings. Make up stories for scars. Do you dress according to the weather or according to the marks on your body? Do you grab at the cuffs of your sweater when you’re nervous?
I wonder what it’s like to be okay.
To be telling the truth when you answer “fine”. To not make up reasons for not leaving the bed. To really just be tired, to really just be sick.
How does happy actually feel?
Do you ever wonder the same?
Gary King will always be my favourite character ever.
that the cells in our bodies
dying and giving birth to new cells.
and stray strand of hair
will eventually be replaced.
And isn’t that a lovely notion?
that one day I might awake
with skin that your hands have never touched
and a body more pure
than the one you stole and stained.