We'll All Float On

Dear Anonymous,

Tue, 21 May 2013 02:50:29 -0400

As you probably noticed, I stopped coming online after I shut down a bunch of my accounts, but someone just called and told me about the page you made and everything on it.

.. I guess I just wanted to ask “why?”

I probably don’t deserve to know, because I will probably never fully understand what I did to make you so angry.

To make you hate me so much.

To make you send me 20 messages a morning on here for over three months, to make you message everyone on my friends list with my private EP stories, to make a Facebook hate page, to make you photoshop me hanging myself.

I honestly don’t try to be a horrible person or a “whiny bitch” / “cunt” / “slut”.
And I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you think those things about me.
And I’m sorry for doing whatever I did to make you hate me so much.
And fuck.. even this entire post could be classified as just being whiny. So I understand. I really do. And I’m sorry.

But if it’s just because I shared personal stories on ExperienceProject.. then you should understand it was never for attention. ExperienceProject was a place I shared my most personal thoughts and life events on, because I felt safe there. It was supposed to be completely anonymous. I never gave out my username, I never gave out anything that would have given anyone access to it. I never had anything that would link my accounts (I used different emails, different usernames, etc). I even made my privacy settings hide all my stories from any non-EPers. No-one from my real life was EVER supposed to read what I wrote there except for people who had no idea who I was. You can even message everyone on my EP list and they will tell you none of them know me in real life.. because it was just a private site where I could feel safe and understood.

It wasn’t my intention to annoy you or make you upset for having to read those things.. but it was my life.. my personal stories.. and it wasn’t meant to be read by anyone other than the people who relate to it. People I have never met. People who only exist on EP and who don’t know me at all.

I’m sorry if reading those stories changed your opinions about me or made you upset. They weren’t meant to do anything other than to share stories about my past with people who went through the same things.

I still don’t know how you got ahold of my username. Or how you found me.
But just know that it was the one place I actually felt okay.. and now I don’t feel safe there anymore.

But you’re right. I am all those things.
And I understand you hating me.. fuck.. I even hate me. But I don’t know why and I’m truly sorry for whatever it was that caused it.
I would honestly be anyone else if I could.
And maybe we could talk about why or you could tell me what I need to change and I’d be willing to try to change.

I deleted my Facebooks and everything. I stopped coming online.. and after this message I’ll be leaving again. I even messaged an EP Admin about deleting my site there, too.

I’m not trying to whine and I’m sure I deserve this for some reason.. but can you please just at least take the Facebook page down? And please.. please.. stop messaging everyone?

I’m really trying hard to get everything about me that annoys you out of your way. And I will do whatever you want me to if you will just please stop.

I will honestly do anything.

Because like I said, you’re right. And I’m truly, truly so sorry.

You win. I give up.

Fri, 17 May 2013 01:39:10 -0400

You win. I give up.

Than any boy you’ll ever meet.. sweetie, you had me.

Thu, 16 May 2013 01:50:59 -0400

Than any boy you’ll ever meet.. sweetie, you had me.

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Thu, 16 May 2013 01:49:43 -0400

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Thu, 16 May 2013 01:49:36 -0400

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Thu, 16 May 2013 01:49:21 -0400

"There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words and still not understand you. And..."

Thu, 16 May 2013 01:46:14 -0400

“There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand without you even speaking a word.”

- Yasmin Mogahed (via ornatos)

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Mon, 13 May 2013 00:58:20 -0400

I fought through the triggers.I tried to help her, give her whatever advice I could from what I...

Sun, 12 May 2013 18:42:00 -0400

I fought through the triggers.
I tried to help her, give her whatever advice I could from what I failed to do.

Two months of checking out my window every night.
Two months of half-dreams and fearing falling asleep.
Two months of being buried in the woods the day before my birthday.

I wanted her to not feel empty or like something was taken from her.
I wanted her to not feel swallowed by silence everytime she opened her mouth.

I look at the picture I took the night of and I just feel so much regret and shame.

I didn’t want her to be that girl.

But some people just don’t care.
So I give up.
You can’t save yourself by trying to save someone else.

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Sat, 11 May 2013 14:47:49 -0400

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Sat, 11 May 2013 14:44:41 -0400

lagerthalothbrokes: Sometimes people have a hard time...

Sat, 11 May 2013 14:40:29 -0400

lagerthalothbrokes:

Sometimes people have a hard time understanding what a happy relationship between two people who obvs think the other is awesome looks like.

We think this is one great (and holy bananas, so freaking hilarious) example.

#my face hurts from smiling so much

OMG AHAHAHAH. This is too fucking great.
CAN I BE THIS COUPLE?

I need to learn and let go.

Fri, 10 May 2013 12:33:44 -0400

I need to learn and let go.

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Fri, 10 May 2013 12:27:29 -0400

Sometimes I wish we were close friends, so I could always be there for you without you feeling uncomfortable or being unable to communicate your feelings. Just a late night thought. Have a pleasant night. <3

Thu, 09 May 2013 19:47:14 -0400

I wish so too.

I go through these emotional droughts where I have no energy to even speak or acknowledge anyone’s existence.. even my own.
And I work so hard to bring myself back up to just having a normal conversation with someone.
And then all at once, it disappears again.

But I do appreciate everything you say and do for me. You’re wonderfully lovely. <3

I remember the day before I was born. The calls from behind trees,the way evil hid itself behind the...

Wed, 08 May 2013 02:00:54 -0400

I remember the day before I was born.
The calls from behind trees,
the way evil hid itself behind the faces of concern.

And I remember how I was everywhere but there.

And I remember.. kissing leaves and hugging dirt.
Muddied arms, grasping the Earth for foundation..
As if gravity might give out and I might fall up.

And I remember how I was in the clouds or I was safe in bed or I was seven years old. But I was everywhere but there.

And I remember how I swore I prayed to Gods I didn’t even know the names of, to religions I couldn’t even pronounce.
And how I swore I spoke in languages that I have no recollection of.

And I remember counting seconds.
Each one seemingly unending.
Counting seconds.
Each one harder than the one before.

And I remember how all I could seem to think was,
“Why are seconds so long?”

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Wed, 08 May 2013 01:29:26 -0400

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Wed, 08 May 2013 01:27:17 -0400

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Sun, 05 May 2013 23:53:04 -0400

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Sun, 05 May 2013 23:38:11 -0400